Dear Parents: When Children Become Caught in the Middle
Over the years, I have had the privilege of sitting with many children whose parents are navigating separation and divorce. Every family has its own story. Every relationship carries its own complexities, heartbreaks and disappointments. As therapists, we are rarely privy to the full picture, nor is it our role to determine who was right or wrong. What we do witness, however, is something that transcends individual circumstances. We see the emotional world of the child, and it is often through their eyes that we are reminded of what matters most.
One of the greatest misconceptions about divorce is that it is the separation itself that causes the deepest wounds. While the ending of a family unit is undeniably painful, many children show remarkable resilience when they are surrounded by love, consistency and emotional safety. More often than not, it is not the divorce that leaves the deepest imprint on a child's heart, but what they are asked to carry in the months and years that follow.
Children rarely tell us they feel caught in the middle. Instead, they show us. They hesitate before answering what appears to be an innocent question. They become cautious about what they share after spending time with the other parent. They begin carefully editing their stories, not because they are dishonest, but because they are trying to protect someone they love. They quickly learn which conversations lead to tension, which memories are best left unspoken, and which emotions feel safe to express. Long before they understand the complexities of adult relationships, they become skilled at managing the emotions of the adults around them.
As parents, this rarely happens because we wish to burden our children. Separation often brings profound grief, anger, betrayal and uncertainty. When we are hurting, it is natural to long for someone to understand our pain. Sometimes, without realising it, our children become the closest people available to receive it. A question about the other parent, a frustrated comment made in passing, or a request to carry a message between homes may seem insignificant to us. To a child, however, these moments can feel impossibly heavy because they involve the two people they love most in the world.
Children are not equipped to hold adult conflict. They should never feel responsible for defending one parent against the other, gathering information, keeping secrets or deciding whose version of events is true. Their love is not divided because they love one parent more than the other. It is divided because they fear that loving one parent openly may somehow hurt the other. That is an emotional burden no child should ever have to carry.
Over the years, I have often reflected on how children experience separation. They do not experience it through legal documents, mediation agreements or court proceedings. They experience it through conversations overheard in the kitchen, the silence during the drive home, the tension they feel during handovers, and the questions they are asked when they return from the other parent's house. They experience it through the subtle ways they begin censoring themselves in an effort to keep the peace. These are the moments that quietly shape a child's understanding of relationships, trust and emotional safety.
This is not a letter written to place blame. Parenting after separation is incredibly difficult, and there are no perfect parents. Every parent is trying to navigate their own grief while continuing to care for the people they love most. Rather, this is an invitation to pause for a moment and see the experience through your child's eyes. To remember that while adults are trying to make sense of what has been lost, children are often trying to make sense of a world that suddenly feels unfamiliar. They need the reassurance that they are free to love both of their parents without feeling disloyal to either.
Before speaking about the other parent in front of your child, ask yourself one simple question: Will these words make my child's world feel safer, or will they make it heavier? That single moment of reflection has the power to change countless conversations. It reminds us that protecting our children is not only about providing food, clothing and shelter. It is also about protecting their hearts from burdens they were never meant to carry.
One day your child will grow up and form their own understanding of what happened between the adults they love. That understanding belongs to them. What belongs to us, as parents and professionals, is the responsibility to protect their childhood while they are still living it. Childhood is fleeting. It cannot be revisited, rewritten or relived. It can only be remembered.
My hope is that when children look back on this chapter of their lives, they will remember that although life changed, they never had to choose between the two people they loved most. They will remember feeling safe enough to love freely, speak honestly and remain exactly what they were always meant to be children.
"Children should never have to choose between the two people they love most. The greatest gift separated parents can give them is the freedom to love both without guilt and the safety to simply remain children."
Dr Jody
The reflections shared in this article are informed by years of therapeutic practice and professional experience. They do not describe any one individual or family. The themes explored represent common experiences observed across many years of supporting children and families, with identifying details changed or omitted to protect confidentiality.